silent beauties

 

 

 

A lovely Christmas present from a dear friend. My son looks at it longingly, probably scheming a way to get a chew of it.

Thoughts of JB in his first year

1. how glad I was to finally to see his face when he was born; he looked like an old soul. Then he peeled for days.
2. wondering if his manky eye would ever get better (eventhough baby literature says it will)
3. examining his poo at 5am and wondering if it was ok
4. the ‘fake’ smiles, thinking they were real!
5. gosh, breastfeeding is so hard; I’m leaking everywhere, and everything still hurts!!! (if I stop now, am I a bad mother?)
6. lots of chucking, I smell like milk all day long.
7. smelling his baby smell
8. wondering when I can stop swaddling him (surely they could have invented something more effective?)
9. I never give him tummy time, am I a bad mum? He just ends up chucking up his milk (good chucker!). but that head control is pretty good….
10. swinging in the hammock with papa, mumbling ‘da da da’ – 3 months.
11. love breastfeeding! Can’t remember why it was so hard. Gosh, I love him so much. This is crazy.
12. the endless ‘groundhog’ days. And being lonely.
13. who has time to shower? I’m lucky I brushed my teeth!
14. first tooth!
15. my birthday…. JB is still alive! And kicking…
16. JB rolled over! – 5 1/2 , 6 months
17. starting solids – the word is PUREED!
18. we like rice cereal. Anything, as long as JB eats it!
19. JB ‘gostan-ing’ i.e. going backwards. Must be frustrating, trying to crawl.
20. KL time… meeting gung gung & por por. Still reversing.
21. lots of babbling – da, da, da, da, mam mam mam….. da-DI! Lots of saliva.
22. yay! Crawling – 7 months
23. crawling v v v v v fast!
24. separation anxiety – OMG!!!! How come no one told me how bad it was? My life is over.
25. have to stop rocking him to sleep. Crap, forget it.
26. first time on the swings – 8 months!
27. JB loves his new pram, why did I hesitate for so long?
28. doing solid sleeps during the day (FINALLY!) – 8+ months.
29. pulling himself up – 10+ months
30. lots of good eating, finally he’s into his protein – fish, egg, lambchops, even chicken!
31. blueberries, strawberries, kiwis, mangoes…… bliss!
32. clapping hands, putting hands in the air, mimicking YAY! – 11 months
33. gastro!
34. time to wean? NOooooOOO! Should try and cut his night feed.

I need to start making a list again. 24 hours in a day goes by in a flash, and I feel I hardly achieve anything that I set myself out to do. Even as I am typing this, the list in my head is fast disappearing, as if running away from me. Gahh....

green, light, sunset

One Fine Day

Today was a perfect September day. No, Saint Kilda didn't play. As my sister pointed out, I need to stop basing good days versus bad based on how well our footy team went.

Instead, it was a very warm 29 degree Spring day. We started at 6am (what else with a 9 month-old), had yum cha with the family, then went back to the parents for coffee and cake.

Random chatter, putting children down for a nap, how-about-some-cake now, look-what-baby-did, is that your baby or mine?, let's have a look at the garden, gee it's a warm day, more coffee, more cake, let's make blocks for baby to knock down, more laughing, I'm going to pick some parsley, time to go home, baby needs another nap, a warm goodbye to someone dear - Tschüß Oma.

On the way home, sleeping baby in the back. Off to get a snack for afternoon tea (shoo-fly buns), ah, home. Dinner prep, baby to bed. Plop on the couch, put our feet up.

self-discovery

It's not about how much time you have, it's what you do it that counts.

An unsual bright and warm winter's day. At the cusp of spring. Ah, welcome Spring.

bitten by the reading bug

I really blame my husband for this. This sudden fervour to inhale all of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight books. He went out to a gig one night with his mate, leaving me home with a sleeping child and not enough disciplne to do some proper work. So I watched a movie called Twilight that I had accidentally downloaded. I know the movie was vaguely about vampires. Cool, I thought, let's see something totally out of this world, because, if I admit it to myself in the dead of some nights, life tends to get a little monotonous these days. Anyway...

After watching the movie, I googled Meyer, Twilight, found that New Moon (the movie) was going to be released this November! I guess I'll be queueing for that now. Like I didn't have better things to do, like a clingy, eight-month old to tend to. I also reserved all the rest of the books in this series from my library. I've read Twilight and New Moon... in less than five days. The only reason why I haven't rushed out to buy these books instead of waiting for them from the library reserve is because I know this obsession will pass, once I know how it ends!

Anyway, Meyer is a good writer. I think we ultimately have Shakespeare to thank for. Every generation has a good go at rehashing Romeo and his Juliet in one form or another; dead, alive or undead in this case. Fascinating indeed.

you are shittin' me

All baby books say that babies from nought till about 9 months sleep one big sleep (i.e. 1 - 1.5hrs) in the morning, and one big sleep in the afternoon. Then from 4pm, they turn into a demon and unleash hell until they deign to fall asleep. Then from 9 months, they drop their afternoon sleep and unleash hell earlier.

Wellll.... my son does 20 minutes naps, once in the morning and sometimes once in the afternoon. For months, I was like a mama on a hot tin roof, willing this child to sleep. He usually does, with lots of bouncing on the fit ball, singing, rocking, patting. And let me tell ya, eight months on, it's still full speed ahead, no signs of abating. And in the meantime, he's gotten heavier, learnt to headbang that would put a heavy metal band to shame, pull my hair and learnt to bite me (that's a big NO NO; childcare and kindy sends those to detention centres*).

So, to all you child psychologist book writers, stop writing and telling us our child has big sleeps once in the morning and afternoon. The god honest truth is that most children rarely do that. On the odd occasion, yes, and oh-what-a-beeaautiful-day that is, but most days, no. Period. No buts, nuh-uh.

So if I need to bloody rock, pat, sway, pull faces at him to sleep, I will. Even if I do it for 40 minutes to get him to sleep 20.

* just kidding, they don't really. But biting is bad business.

my life in pictures

ghost of my knitting past part II > the Cobblestone

Oh my gosh, I have finally finished it! 2 years and counting... I had time to get married and have a baby, but apparently, none for finishing this sweater! Gahhhhh!!!

Thank you Jared, for the wonderful sweater, but next time, I know my limits!!!

Also, I ran out of wool (blasphemy!) towards the end. But I think the contrast makes it quite special too.

xx

a quick note

I, of many words in my head.

They swirl around all day in my head, with no outlet. And when night falls, I am too tired to find them again.

My mouth pops nursery rhymes like it's going out of fashion.

My feet has travelled back home. My stomach has been filled with mum's good cooking, and good ol' fashion hawker styled food.

My eyes have feasted on familiar faces, familiar sights. Ah, my family, my heart, my all.

Back to my 'real' life now. Husband, kiddo, work (some anyway), more nursery rhymes.

xx

why cannot enjoy?

I was stirring my four-day old soup* when I had a startling revelation.

I was thinking about knitting (I don't actually know when this obsession began) - and I realise I don't knit as much as I think about knitting because I feel guilty. You see, knitting for me is pure pleasure; it's my time, it's about me, me me me me me me! And if I knit all the time, I'm enjoying myself too much. Then I think about how my time could be better served elsewhere.

I am such a sicko. Sigh... story of my life [the knitting one at least].

Put JB on the Jolly Jumper today, and he went crazy! Even did what we thought was an Irish jig. Sort of, a little bit... yeah, like whatever.

*Made chicken soup on Monday, and still eatingon Thursday cos my beloved's been out all this week. [sigh]

a long time in between

Ohmygod, my last post was Easter. Which planet have I been to? I measure my life by the chub-factor on JB. And is he one big chubba at the moment.

Ohmygod, I really cannot remember what the last fours weeks has been about. One of my closest friends from school days visited, presenting me with a lurveeely birthday/post-baby/thankyou-for-letting-us-stay present. Man, I am so in love with this. I am so stoked. I was completely speechless, thankful and embarrased at the same time. I would have had them with me every single time they visited, without any thanks because I love them to bits.

I feel more tired everyday, yet I find it somewhere in me to push on. It's really weird, and this is so not me. Although I would never give up, I thought I would have cracked sometime in March. But here I am, celebrating my first Mother's Day. It's such a momentous occassion for me. I'd said to my beloved, and I'll say it here again, it's my toughest job so far, and the tag of being a mum isn't easy. How do mums do it out there with 2,3,4...10??? I'm aghast, and filled with extreme awe at the same time. Kudos to them.

I may actually check out Twitter this week. I've been hearing and reading about it for the better part of the last month. Surely it isn't that addictive? Has society nothing else better to do than to read someone's random thoughts every minute/hour of the day? Sighhh....

happy easter

This picture depicts my kinda humour to the T.

Sick, really.

I'm off to spend some couch time with my beloved, madly trying to finish the Cobblestone sweater for him. We might just get there in time for winter. JB is fast asleep in his cot, bliss.

Happy easter!!! x

oh monday

So... what did this mama to today?

How about sweet f-all? JB was all over the shop today, which reminds me of a passage in that baby bible book I read.

There will be days when the baby doesn't feed well, sleep well, ya-di-ya-da...

Ah, my JB went one step better. He did no sleeping and was at my boobs like he was having hor'devours at a party.

I'm all sung out, I've pulled faces and now I have a dicky knee.

Bring on Easter.

x

gauging

It's lonely being a mum.

This was my discovery for the day. Not the lonely like "being by oneself" kinda lonely. But lonely like no really knows what you think about every single minute of the day. The all consuming thought of the child you are growing. I wonder if my beloved feels lonely. Probably not. 'Cos he's got me. Men are wired differently. Not that I don't have him, I do, but he gets to go to work and have an external life besides me and JB. So to him, we're his extensions. As for me, I live inside my own head alot lately.

Yeah, I worry too.

Anyway, here is a picture of the Pebble Vest with wooden buttons. Told ya, this mama is one big sucker. Also lazy lah. JB's worn it once because it's stil only April, but no one would know it is autumn with the way the weather was going, all hot and sunny. That's Melbourne for you. The vest is too small now, so I am giving it to my beloved's cousin's baby.




Lesson to learn here? Do gauges. Else nothing will ever fit. Knitting gauges are what I call "lost knitting time". I can't possibly count that in as part of the project, 'cos then my slow knitting will become even s l o w e r. Boy, am I slow. You know the story you read as a kid about being slow and steady winning the race? Skip that story. It's all about teaching kids all sort of life traits. Slow and steady never really got me anywhere, except coming last in all my running heats.

And here is my latest project. Something I have gauged and started knitting. Using the same alpaca wool sis gave me. Let's hope JB gets more than one wear from it. Better get crackin' eh?

Have a great weekend xx

Weekend / knitting, eating, bumming

Finally finished the Pebble Vest for JB. Weaved in and all. Now, all I need to find are those dang buttons. Off to Lincraft tomorrow! Woo wee...

{egg+bacon production line}

Also realised that we do eat alot of egg+bacon sandwiches. They are so darn easy, my beloved literally whips them up in less than 10 minutes!

Hope you had a lazy weekend like mine.

soak

The last time we had rain like this, JB was born. That was more than 3 months ago now.

I so wish this drought would end soon. The first thing I'll do is take a long shower. Until my fingers go pruny.

Happy weekend x

buttons, knitting & brad (pitt)

I saw the Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons yesterday. Spending 3 hours with Brad Pitt is surprisingly bliss, even with him being an old man half the time. I'd forgotten how amazingly handsome he is. I think in recent years, I've stopped watching his movies, and I don't know why (Note to add: I have seen Babel, the film he starred with Cate Blancett too). I think Brad has finally come of age with this film, whaddya think?

Oh, I also walked past the newstand yesterday and saw one of the trashy magazines (you know the one where they tell lies about Hollywood celebs) - the front cover was splashed with Brad & Ange's photos, with the captions screaming "Why they are hated so much!" Really? By who? All those ugly guys and chicks out there, who don't have the perfect life and perfect kids and perfect bodies? Get a grip, people. Everyone is just trying to live their own lives. And I SO hate those magazines that print these crap just to sell some magazines.

Okay, ranting finito.

It was my first movie since JB was born too, so I had a truly nice time. It was good of JB to lie/sleep/suck his fists patiently (most of the time) in my arms. He became especially interested when Brad and Cate finally got together in th film. Gee, they take a while don't they.

But the film - I love the pace, I love the southern accent, and I love the story. It's something that's probably been told countless times, about love and mostly about life. About living it, being yourself, not being afraid to start all over again.

And speaking of buttons, I'm about to finish this vest for JB, but I can't decide on the buttons. And knowing me, I'll be lazy and go get wooden ones again. Waiting for an inspiration. For now though, I'm contented with Brad.

Me.

I'm grumpy alot these days.

I'm grumpy at the general things in life, grumpy at my beloved, grumpy that I never seem to have time for myself, get the house cleaned, get work done. Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy. But when I'm away from JB, I don't know what to do with myself! That thought makes me even more grumpy.

Gah. And all I've been thinking for days is "When can I cut my nails?" Yes, you heard right. Just cutting them off with a nailclipper, nothing fancy. No polish, no buffing (pah!!!), nada. Alright, so I'm finally doing it now. Hang on...

[clip! clip! clip! x 7]

Aah, what a relief. I hate long nails. Everything gets stuck in them, and for some strange reason, I always feel my hands are dirty when my nails grow out. Weird, yes? Even weirder why I've spent 50 words just talking about nails? Time to move on, me thinks.

So, JB is 3 months old. I've been a mama for over 90 days now (feels like a lifetime). I've come a long way from those initial first four weeks. They seem a haze now, days and nights of pain, exhaustion, euphoria, panic, joy... all bundled up into the craziest time in my life, so far. JB has moved on to infant nappies (bye bye newborns!), switching to 00 clothings (bye bye cute onesies!), garbles and drools all the time (now I know why I got all those bibs!).

Anyway. He's really fun now. I wish I won the lotto, retired from work and just got to play with him all day. Maybe hire someone to help me out (especially when JB's super cranky), so I can go knit in peace for a while, read a book, take a shit, cut my nails(?). Ah well, wishful thinking. There are heaps more out there in need of a hand, and look at me, whinging. I got it good.

Be thanful for what you got (like the song). Yes, I am.

Nite nite.

i love my husband so

Call me biased, but my beloved makes the best bacon and egg sandwich. Effortlessly.

Gosh, I love him.

DK's bacon + egg sandwich
2 slices really yummy bread of choice (we love soy & linseed)
1 organic egg
couple slices of bacon, fat trimmed (to make oneself feel better)
cos lettuce
half a tomato, sliced (homegrown by my sister, SUPER yummy)
cracked pepper
couple dashes of green tobasco (for a slight kick)
tahini
hommus

The tahini and hommus are anomalies, it was basically thrown in to make sure I had enough calcium. Add a super-hungry mama and watch that baby wolf it down.

At the end of the day

{sunset at the Kerr household}

We took JB to his first of many immunisation visits yesterday. It was traumatic to say the least. For me, that is. My beloved was a champion, holding JB whilst not one, but two needles went into either leg. JB had a cry and a sook, deservedly so; I would too (and did), but he was soon feeling better. I'd set aside the day to just cuddle and soothe him, if need be. Turns out, he was fine.

Today, however, is another matter entirely. The day started at 6.11am, and by 10.11am, JB finally managed to dose into a fitful sleep. And the rest of the day, as they say, was history. Many things were against us, so let me regale them to you:-

/ effect of one of the vaccine made his tummy hurt

// JB is now getting to big to be swaddled effectively (he does a Houdini act and breaks free of his swaddle before I get out of my REM sleep)

Actually, that's it. But let me tell you, that's enough. Never been one to go down without a fight, JB squirms and cries (like a lamb to slaughter) everytime before bed. Having a sore tummy made him extra cranky. Suddenly, the time it takes to put him to sleep takes 2 1/2 hours instead of just 1/2 hour. I had 4 1/2 hours sleep all day. Two lots of 2 hours and one 1/2 hr slot. I was a bit of a basketcase. Still, life goes on, no?

Another progression of JB's life; we finally got sick of constantly re-swaddling him, we went and got him a GroBag. I must say he looks sooo grown up in it. And slept with his arms flailing about for the first time too. One more step away from baby-dom. I felt a little sad, really. Yes, I am a little emotional today, I blame my lack of sleep.

He's moving into the cot this weekend. The conundrum now is whether to keep him sleeping in the same bedroom as us, or be brave and let him into his own room. Might sleep on that for another night.

Ghosts of my knitting past / part 1, the shrug/sweater

So, I did mention in an earlier post that 2009 is a year for just being. May I just add that's it's also going to be a year for finishing. Things I've started, but haven't finished, things I've thought of, but not followed through. Yes, already I've been on the right track.


See this shrug - I've promised it to C two winters ago. Yes! And I've finally finished it, it's such a hugeeee weight off my back. Now everytime I start on a new project, I don't have this haunting over my shoulder. I have to say, there is immense satisfaction in completing things. Just don't let me drag on about how hard it was yesterday, frantically trying to finish the last five rows. But the other reason for the deadline was also that today is C's 30th! I've known her for 12 years now, and it's been a joy all the way. I'm so glad I could at least present her with a promise I made her all those years. And she's been extremely patient (although she did give me endless grief about it).

Anyway, this is it. Stephanie Japel's Two-Toned Shrug, done on 8 and 5mm circular needles. The wool is Graphite (from the Rustic range) 8-ply from Bendigo Woolen Mills. It was overall, a joy to knit.

Next up, my beloved's sweater (Jared Flood's sweater from Interweave Knits Autumn 2007).

my favourite read

This is by far, my most favourite magazine for many years. It comes out quarterly and I seriously read it for 3 months; picking it up and reading it at random (it is very heavy in content). Always interesting, always inspiring.

If I can't get there (yet), I might as well read all about it. And keep dreaming.

x

my husband / the perfectionist

d i n n e r t o n i g h t

t h e e n d

randomness / child-rearing

/ Knitting has become my saving grace. It's the short moments between JB's sleep that I get to go into the rhythm of knits and purls, to stop myself obsessing about my child.

// My sister calls me a 'helicopter mama'. I guess I am, although I'm consciously trying to stop jumping 10 feet everytime JB lets out a fart.

/// My beloved is obessessed about my health. I've just realised he leaves out a vitamin for me every single morning so that I see it... and that I may remember to eat it. And here I thought they just appeared everytime I turned around.

//// I love being a mother more than I thought I would - eventhough sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing, whether I'm doing it right, eventhough all my relationships have/are changing. I need to find a place where everything starts to fit again.

p/s: C's shrug is coming along quick fast!

xx

Quintessential Melbourne

Friday/ Into the city to do some birthday shopping, into the City Library to get a new card and borrowed this book. Ingenious! Why didn't I think of borrowing knitting books instead of agonising over whether to buy them or not. As they are mainly published in the US, by the time they arrive in Melbourne, they're exorbitant. And sometimes, all I want to do is have a good perv. But I've never managed to feel comfortable doing that in a bookshop. You know, ruin the spine of a book and then not buy it.

Takeaway coffee + a blueberry muffin/ $5.50. Reminds me so much of my time at uni. Only now I have a baby strapped at the front of me, and people are friendlier (it's the kid).

p/s: One of those non-sleeping days for JB. Plus lots of crying. Joy joy!!

Muso

I think everyone who's been within my vicinity the last couple of years know I absolutely love Ben Lee, the musician. He's that quirky, curly-haired man-kid who looks more 17 than 30. Well, anyway, I fell in love with Ben's music after he discovered his spirituality. The music he made after that speaks to me, about me. As one article I read yesterday said, and I quote, "Ben loves an epiphany". I discovered that I loved that too, only Ben articulates it alot better.

I got married to my beloved with Ben singing "Love Me Like The World Is Ending", I dance endlessly with JB to Ben's "Awake Is The New Sleep" album; perhaps secretly hoping that JB would filter all that into his subconsious. Like gambling everything for love, waiting for life to begin, being open-hearted, learning to give joy. Ultimately that's what Ben is singing about - giving joy. And I read yesterday that he's recently gotten married too, how lovely!

His new album Rebirth of Venus is out on February 10 '09. I cannot wait.

word up

So I have a wonderful friend who writes me mail. Yes, handwritten mail, signed, sealed & delivered. And to this date, I've written two back to her - one of which got lost in the post (damn you POS Laju!), and the other written to her during my honeymoon (this sounds surrepticiously like cheating doesn't it? :) ). My beloved doesn't mind, in fact, he might even be a little excited *grin* Anyway, that letter is still sitting on my top drawer. Now that I have a return address, I am finally posting it. And hope it doesn't get lost again.

So this is my response to you, my dear friend. Thank you/un millón de gracias... not just for the effort, but mainly for thinking of me. It's nice to be thought of. I think of you often too, you will just have to believe me.

(This is not a reply, mainly a big thank you - longwinded mail in scrawly handwriting will ensue with earnest!).

xx

a good day

I had a fantastic day on Friday! Yes, it's Sunday, but I still think about that day when JB slept in his bassinet between all his feeds. THe only downside is he only sleeps 2.5 hour stints 'cos it's so stinking HOT!!!! 43 degree days consecutively for three days. I want to slap those people who deny global warming is not happening. Grr!! Meanwhile, the northern hemisphere is freezing their butts off!!!

So... what did I do whilst JB was asleep? Me, at home, on a weekday with not much "work" to do? I made myself a nice lunch of ham and cheese, rearranged some furniture (see last post), and did some ironing.

Almost a desperate housewife... minus the desperate. Maybe I get slightly desperate to speak to someone by 5pm, but that's to be expected I guess.

Consciously trying to make some headway into knitting C's shrug, in time for her birthday. 18 days to go... arrgh, no pressure.

xx

The quiet corner

. to read
.. to knit
... to nurse
.... to connect
..... to reflect
...... to find some peace after an insane day

p/s: I finally have the time to turn the house into a home... slowly, but surely.

x

my son...

He coos
He smiles...when you least expect it
He cries (oh how he cries)
He startles

He sleeps in my arms all day long....

p/s: now he's crying again.

love & generosity

I read today that gratitude promotes positive emotions, which promotes well being. I feel grateful everyday; for the extreme generosity of all those around us (totally unexpected, and we are SO grateful). All the love we have received and felt from family & friends around us the last 6 weeks have been overwhelming. And I feel so blessed that I have all of you around me. Maybe I have accumulated enough good karma afterall :)

Thank you for your time, your gifts, your well wishes & all your invaluable advise.

xx