Me.

I'm grumpy alot these days.

I'm grumpy at the general things in life, grumpy at my beloved, grumpy that I never seem to have time for myself, get the house cleaned, get work done. Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy. But when I'm away from JB, I don't know what to do with myself! That thought makes me even more grumpy.

Gah. And all I've been thinking for days is "When can I cut my nails?" Yes, you heard right. Just cutting them off with a nailclipper, nothing fancy. No polish, no buffing (pah!!!), nada. Alright, so I'm finally doing it now. Hang on...

[clip! clip! clip! x 7]

Aah, what a relief. I hate long nails. Everything gets stuck in them, and for some strange reason, I always feel my hands are dirty when my nails grow out. Weird, yes? Even weirder why I've spent 50 words just talking about nails? Time to move on, me thinks.

So, JB is 3 months old. I've been a mama for over 90 days now (feels like a lifetime). I've come a long way from those initial first four weeks. They seem a haze now, days and nights of pain, exhaustion, euphoria, panic, joy... all bundled up into the craziest time in my life, so far. JB has moved on to infant nappies (bye bye newborns!), switching to 00 clothings (bye bye cute onesies!), garbles and drools all the time (now I know why I got all those bibs!).

Anyway. He's really fun now. I wish I won the lotto, retired from work and just got to play with him all day. Maybe hire someone to help me out (especially when JB's super cranky), so I can go knit in peace for a while, read a book, take a shit, cut my nails(?). Ah well, wishful thinking. There are heaps more out there in need of a hand, and look at me, whinging. I got it good.

Be thanful for what you got (like the song). Yes, I am.

Nite nite.

At the end of the day

{sunset at the Kerr household}

We took JB to his first of many immunisation visits yesterday. It was traumatic to say the least. For me, that is. My beloved was a champion, holding JB whilst not one, but two needles went into either leg. JB had a cry and a sook, deservedly so; I would too (and did), but he was soon feeling better. I'd set aside the day to just cuddle and soothe him, if need be. Turns out, he was fine.

Today, however, is another matter entirely. The day started at 6.11am, and by 10.11am, JB finally managed to dose into a fitful sleep. And the rest of the day, as they say, was history. Many things were against us, so let me regale them to you:-

/ effect of one of the vaccine made his tummy hurt

// JB is now getting to big to be swaddled effectively (he does a Houdini act and breaks free of his swaddle before I get out of my REM sleep)

Actually, that's it. But let me tell you, that's enough. Never been one to go down without a fight, JB squirms and cries (like a lamb to slaughter) everytime before bed. Having a sore tummy made him extra cranky. Suddenly, the time it takes to put him to sleep takes 2 1/2 hours instead of just 1/2 hour. I had 4 1/2 hours sleep all day. Two lots of 2 hours and one 1/2 hr slot. I was a bit of a basketcase. Still, life goes on, no?

Another progression of JB's life; we finally got sick of constantly re-swaddling him, we went and got him a GroBag. I must say he looks sooo grown up in it. And slept with his arms flailing about for the first time too. One more step away from baby-dom. I felt a little sad, really. Yes, I am a little emotional today, I blame my lack of sleep.

He's moving into the cot this weekend. The conundrum now is whether to keep him sleeping in the same bedroom as us, or be brave and let him into his own room. Might sleep on that for another night.

randomness / child-rearing

/ Knitting has become my saving grace. It's the short moments between JB's sleep that I get to go into the rhythm of knits and purls, to stop myself obsessing about my child.

// My sister calls me a 'helicopter mama'. I guess I am, although I'm consciously trying to stop jumping 10 feet everytime JB lets out a fart.

/// My beloved is obessessed about my health. I've just realised he leaves out a vitamin for me every single morning so that I see it... and that I may remember to eat it. And here I thought they just appeared everytime I turned around.

//// I love being a mother more than I thought I would - eventhough sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing, whether I'm doing it right, eventhough all my relationships have/are changing. I need to find a place where everything starts to fit again.

p/s: C's shrug is coming along quick fast!

xx

a good day

I had a fantastic day on Friday! Yes, it's Sunday, but I still think about that day when JB slept in his bassinet between all his feeds. THe only downside is he only sleeps 2.5 hour stints 'cos it's so stinking HOT!!!! 43 degree days consecutively for three days. I want to slap those people who deny global warming is not happening. Grr!! Meanwhile, the northern hemisphere is freezing their butts off!!!

So... what did I do whilst JB was asleep? Me, at home, on a weekday with not much "work" to do? I made myself a nice lunch of ham and cheese, rearranged some furniture (see last post), and did some ironing.

Almost a desperate housewife... minus the desperate. Maybe I get slightly desperate to speak to someone by 5pm, but that's to be expected I guess.

Consciously trying to make some headway into knitting C's shrug, in time for her birthday. 18 days to go... arrgh, no pressure.

xx

peace

It's Monday morning. I'm sitting next to my husband, catching up on my blog reading and doing some knitting. No, knitting no longer makes me want to retch. I knew it'll right itself once Junior Burger came along. Speaking of JB - he's fast asleep in his bassinet, and I'm waiting for him to wake up for his next feed. He's gone past his designated 2.5 hour feed, but everyone tells me "let sleeping babies lie". And lately, any sleep during the day by the boy is good.

So meanwhile, I wait. And surrender to the fact that life and all its going-ons can wait a while...

This is bliss, besides cuddling next to my beloved and smelling JB's hair.

x

Of many minds

This mama business is harder than I anticipated. Between all the feedings and ass wiping, I've hardly had time to look at my surroundings. As for being... oh, I'm being. A mum to a newborn. Today was the first really hot summer day; we had the a/c cranked on for half a day, but Junior Burger hardly slept a wink. Hence lots of crying, fussing, and general carrying on (and carrying him about).

But I love him.... I love him, I love him, I love him. Period.

All I have to learn now is to let go... of the things I cannot change, cannot do. They will all just need to wait.

Everything is going to be okay

"Everything is going to be okay."

That's what I was whispering in my son's ear as I was trying to calm him down at his usual 'unsettled' period this evening. True enough, after 15 minutes of unconsolable crying, he calmed down and is now happily snoozing on my beloved's chest. What a great chest that is, he's had (and will have) many a good sleeps there. My beloved has taken to call our son Junior Burger, and it's stuck.

As I venture into the new year, I am me, but not quite me... I am now a mother and I am responsible for someone. There are many times during the day when I flit between extreme joy and anticipation to what lays ahead for my new family and an anxious fear of what I do not know, am yet to know. I wonder if I'll be a good parent, whether I'll still be there for my friends, be the lover and friend my husband and I were before. The answer to all the above is probably yes and no. Possibly the scariest thing for me is that life as I know it no longer looks the same; nor does it hold the same appeal. Yet, I don't quite know how to move forward. And then I realise... the whole point is that I don't know. That this is a journey I've never experienced before. And I should just surrender...

See you in the new year - be safe, be well. Much love xxx

I know I'm in love

So our bundle of joy is finally here... and all I can say is, he is amazing. As my beloved said, the perfect specimen. We love him to bits already and he hasn't even done anything other than feed, poo, wee, cry and sleep.

I also know I'm definitely in mama-love mode when I'm up at 5am in the morning examining his poo and feeling like a deliriously happy woman the fact that it's nice & runny. Too much information? Alright then... :) :)

I wish I could record every single second of this happening, but all I have are my memories and hopefully many more to come!

The oddest mix-up of words this morning between my beloved and I (discussing the poo) -

"Woo and pee"....? (we meant poo & wee, but it was early and we are new parents, speech dialogue was not high on the agenda).